Worry less…3 tips for taming mama bear

Moms worry.  Some of us worry at a professional level.  Most of us would say we wish we worried less.  Our tendency to worry is born out of a combination of temperament and experience.  One mom may be more laid back, or maybe she only appears that way on the outside.  Another mom may worry more out loud.   But maybe once she announces her worry, she feels calmer. 

Bottom line, we all struggle with worry as our kids launch.  My hand is raised too. 

Moms land on different sections of the worry spectrum.  And what presses my worry-button won’t be the same as the next mom.  I may worry more about my kids and alcohol abuse because of my family history, and you may worry more about your kids getting in car accidents of your life experience.  To-ma-to…To-MAH-to.   

As a coach for moms who are in the season of launching their kids, I refer to worry as the Cool Ranch Doritos of our emotional life.  Cool Ranch Doritos taste delicious, and when I eat them, I may feel full, but there is no nutritional value there. They don’t actually help fuel my body.  Likewise, the emotion of worry expends emotional energy.  It feels like I am “doing” something, but no actual emotional processing or helping is getting done.  

Worry is circular-- spinning in one place.  No forward movement.  Worry leaves us emotionally exhausted with nothing to show for it.  

Worry depletes. 

Worry can drain off our energy.  

We don’t even realize we are worrying in the background until we get to the end of the day and we are spent.  

Worry perceives a problem, but then just stews about it without actually fixing anything. 

It asks “what if, what if, what if” without getting off the couch.  

If it is so useless, why do we, as moms, continue to worry?

A big chunk of mom-worry comes from our bossy Mama Bear.  

We all need to be Mama Bear at times. 

I am not here to bash her; Mama Bear serves us well in many settings. 

But, Mama Bear puts out the welcome mat and holds the door open for mom-worry. 

And she can be insistent.  

Mama Bear is LOUD and forceful--primal and instinctive even.  

Mama Bear will boss us around if we let her.

Mama Bear only wants to bubble wrap our kids.  She doesn’t care about enrichment or the fruits of struggle or “life lessons”.

Mama Bear thinks that worry helps. She loves cool ranch Doritos.    

So what do we do?  

We need Mama Bear. But constant worry can eat us alive.  

Let’s get practical.  Here are three steps to rein in mom-worry if it is getting in the way of your peace of mind.  

First, notice the worry.  This sounds easy.  (Slow shaking of the head) 

It is not.  

Mama Bear worry is like the undertow at the beach.  We look up and our emotions are miles away from a calm home base.  Worry can hum along as a low-frequency current in our whole day before we actually become aware of it.  Catching worry quicker is a skill.  As moms, we can get better at checking in with our emotional temperature more often during stressful times.  

We can ask ourselves, What are my mental tapes right now?  Am I ruminating on worst-case scenarios?   

Here’s what that looks like in real life: Set a reminder on your phone.  Once a day it pops up to ask “Are you worried right now? About what?” 

Right now, noticing is the goal.  If you notice the worry, you have succeeded. 

Give yourself a high-five!  

Second, have compassion on your Mama Bear.  She is doing her job.  Do not fuss at her, do not tell her she isn’t welcome, or that she needs to shut up and sit down.  She is a valuable member of the team, she just gets a little bossy sometimes. 

Noticing something you want to change in yourself without being self-critical also takes practice.  Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend (that’s called self-compassion).  If your close friend were worried about her child who just moved to a new city, you wouldn’t fuss at her and tell her to just stop worrying so much.  You would treat her gently.  Your words to her would be kind.  Be kind to yourself too.  

Here’s what it looks like in real life: When you notice your Mama Bear getting worried, gently tell yourself.  “It makes sense that you would feel this.  You have spent the last 18+ years making sure your launcher was safe.  I get it.”

Third, when she gets bossy, gently redirect your Mama Bear to the here and now.  Ask yourself, “Is my Launcher in actual danger right now, this minute?” The skill of anchoring yourself in the current moment that you are living, is called “being present”.  It is something that moms don’t always practice because our day-job involves constant forward-thinking.  Being present calms worry.  On a very simple level, being present starts with getting in touch with your five senses.  What can I see right now? What can I hear? What can I smell?  What can I feel?  

Here’s what it looks like in real life: Really focus on what you are doing at this moment.  Right now, I feel the softness of the couch cushions on my legs.  I see the sun coming in the window.  I smell my coffee and the dog.  I hear the birds outside the window. Bring your mind to the immediate. Focus on where you currently are and what you are currently doing.  Worry lives in a future that might never happen.  Being present brings our focus back to now.  

I love the scene in the Pixar movie, Finding Nemo where Marlin (Nemo’s overprotective dad) is interacting with Crush, the surfer-dad sea turtle.  Squirt, his turtle son, gets spit out of the current they are all riding, and Marlin, the clownfish, starts to freak out.  He wants to immediately run to the rescue.  Crush wisely stops him from jumping in to save the youngster. 

 “Whoa. Kill the motor, Dude.  Let us see what Squirt does flying solo.”

Squirt struggles for a second and then figures out how to jump back into the current. He is glowing, 

“Whoa. That was so cool.  Hey, Dad!  Did you see that? Did you see me? Did you see what I did?” 

Crush celebrates with him,

“You so totally rock, Squirt. Give me some fin…Noggin’...Dude.”

That’s what we’re after.  Sometimes, Mama Bear thinks we are letting them flounder.  But we are NOT.  We are giving them the gift of letting them figure it out.  Then we get to celebrate their ingenuity and perseverance.  Mama Bear wants that too.